Entries from April 2007
image stolen from BBC
The government has stopped Ajoka Theater from any further performances of its musical drama “burqavaganza”. Despite protestations by the head of Ajoka, Madeeha Gauhar, and playwright, Shahid Nadeem that the play does not go against Koranic injunctions, the government dismissed their appeals against the ban.
Culture minister Ghazi Kanjar (related to Mullah Ghazi through inbreeding) explained that only the ISI and Lal Masjid mullahs have licence to do Burqa dramas in the country.
Categories: Culture · Entertainment
The sharia economic system will decrease our reliance on imported cotton, says Lal Masjid economist Mullah Ram Yehuda. He explained that if the whole nation were to start wearing the shorter above ankle shalwars, of the style popularized by Tableeghis and Jamatias, the nation would greatly reduce its cotton imports from Israel. Our textile industry specialist Alibhae Loom Khaddi, pointed out that many of these pious people have found a loophole around this appearance. They are actually hitching their shalwars higher by rolling the tops above the narra, but once done with the namaz they return the shalwar to normal length. Mullah Yehuda wasn’t delighted with Alibhae for bringing this banawat to light and strongly condemned such bigotry from the faithful.
Categories: Business · Hockey
IJT activists at Punjab University Lahore have been protesting loudly over a cheating scandal involving their teachers. Our correspondent Alibhae Nalaik Bhaanda interviewed a couple of IJT members and asked about their agitation. It seems the psuedo students are angry that the scandal is making them look stupid in the eyes of those immoral artsy fartsy types across the road at that other school. They contend that cheating and plagiarism require brains as you must copy from something on the same subject.
As renowned poet Alibhae Nakalkhor said:
Danishwar ka danish se hai, it kutey ka ver
Ilm ki paurhey charhna warhna okha lagta hai
Categories: Education
Our entertainment correspondent Alibhae Casting Couch has allerted us to the existance of a sex tape, allegedly of some Jamia Hafsa girls getting their lez on. The tape is reportedly doing the rounds of the underground networks of the jihadi servers. We are hereby appealing to any and all to please share the titilation. Akele akele, sahi baat nahin bhai.
Categories: Culture · Entertainment
Our IT correspondent Alibhae Www recently interviewed Lal masjids IT staff member hafiz Abdul Dotnetia. Hafiz Dotnetia revealed some important details of the real story behind the recent drama being played out on aabpara road. He wanted to talk about the message behind their message. But Alibhae was more interested in watching booty shaking videos on youtube. That sparked Dotnetia’s interest also and he revealed how the masjid decided to register their new domain name through GoDaddy. Yes, the super sexy Godaddy ads from the superbowls got them the nod from no less an authority than mullah Ghazi. Politics does indeed make for strange bedfellows. Imagine the godaddy girl getting it on with a Jamia Hafsa ninja. woo hoo.
Categories: Business · Kabaddi
This revelation was made at a halwa party on the courtyard of the Lal Masjid. Mullah Ghazi told our correspondent Alibhai Mithoo that the country has a well developed network of 500,000 brothels. And they are the largest employers of women in Pakistan, employing as many as 10 million women. The worlds oldest profession seems to be using first movers advantage very well. Mullah Ghazi further elaborated that this is the largest network of brothels in the world. And the sheer novelty of the women being muslim will surely bring out the punters. We indeed seem well poised to take over the global sex tourism industry by a storm. Thailand who!
When quizzed about the Aunty Shamim affair, he clarified that he was taking over the whore whoring business in Pakistan. This consolidation was necessary if Pakistan was to take advantage of the opportunities in the global sex tourism industry. Standards and practices had determined that the premium services be reserved for tourists. This preferance for foreign customers has reaped higher dividends for Pakistani producers of cotton products, mangoes, rice, brain power. The substandard and overstock product can be unloaded on the local populace later. And the aunty Shamim establishment had violated that rule by peddling her wares to the locals thus neccessitating a visit from the strong arm of the elite Hafsa enforcers. But all is well now.
In a related move, mullah Ghazi told Alibhae Mithoo that the conglomerate has plans to open establishments in Afghanistan in the near future. We are told those will cater to the local tastes and peddle young boys only. Apparently the talibaan prefer young boys to women at a 3 to 1 ratio. These are exciting times.
Categories: Business · Culture
Bamboo prices have shot through the roof in the Islamabad-Rawalpindi twin city area as demand for straight bamboo has outstripped supply. Alibhae Baanswaala, a small time timber merchant who mostly sells tooth picks in Raja Bazar, talked about the situation to our business correspondent Alibhae Akhbarnawees.
Baanswala, explained that administrations of Lal Masjid and associated Jamia Hafsa have been buying bamboo in large quantities recently. The opinion of most in the market is that the bamboo is being purchased to rebuild the madrassas and masjids that were demolished by the CDA after being found illegally constructed. Certain timber merchants who have recently become born again tablighi types with long beards have been especially active in procuring the bamboo and getting it all cut into sixfoot long poles. And therein lies the problem as Baanswala explained. Six feet is not long enough to be useful in construction. Still, Aamaal ka daromidar niyat par hai.
Initial reports from NWFP, Lahore and as far south as Karachi are all indicating that those markets are following the pattern of Islamabad. Bamboo is the new gold. It is good thing then that it grows fast.
In a related investigation, Alibhae Akhbarnawees is following up on a tip that a certain Maulana and a famous Qazi were very active in the commodities market, heavily buying bamboo futures until three months ago.
Categories: Business
Islam is often referred to as a complete religion, nay a complete life. For the non-believer that is a tough concept to grasp. But for the devout musclemaan their exists no argument against this.
Recent events in Islamabad have provided credible proof of the strength Islam imbues in its followers. Female students of the Fundamentalist madrassa Jamia Hafsa have been tussling with civilians, and challenging the government with storied success.
In January, a group of talibaat from Jamia Hafsa attacked the nearby children’s library. Within minutes the handful of girls had rendered the chowkidar unconscious with repeated karate chops. The rest of the library staff beat a hasty retreat all beaten black and blue. Three of the kids present in the library during the attack wet themselves out of fear of the talibaat. Since then the girls from the madrassa have occupied the public library against government’s empty threats. They have been posting groups of madrassa girls on guard duty at the library. Those who have seen them have been awed by the height and build of the sentries in burkas. At an average reported height of 5′9″ the Jamia Hafsa Talibaat dwarf the 5′2″ average Pakistani female. That is either very good genetics. Or it is Islam taking its followers to new heights.
The last week of the month of March was when the strength of the Jamia Hafsa girls was on display again. The whole thing started when some talibaat discoveredthat talibaan from their associated madrassa were quite taken by the beauty of some girls from a nearby neighbourhood. Someone should have warned those shia harlots about the wrath of the Hafsa amazons. The whole neighbourhood had expected a long drawn out cat-fight royal rumble. It turned out to be the most one-sided thrashing since Chyna took on Trish Stratus in the WWF womens title match. In the span of two minutes Aunty Shamim and her posse were beaten to the pulp, tied up, and taken backstage for further humiliation.
Local younani hakim, Daktar Alibhae Allahditta theorized that the strict Islamic life is the reason for the extraordinary physical strengths of the madrassa girls. He is of the opinion that a regimen of strict adherence to fundamentalist Islam, suplimented with jahalat, beyrozgari, and jazba e jihad can lead to the emergance of a super race of humans within the span of half a generation. That is a rate better than anything Hitler could have dreamed of.
Categories: Healthcare · Kabaddi
