Supreme Court directs FIA to produce Hazrat Mikaeel or face arrest

Court proceedings got to a heated start today when it was clear that the angel Hazrat Mikaeel was not present in the court as directed on the previous day. Government representatives expressed their inability to produce the angel and claimed no knowledge of his whereabouts. An incensed Justice Bhagwandas then ordered Director FIA to locate and produce Mikaeel before the court in one week. The court has also said that failure to do so would result in the arrest of the FIA director.

Angel Mikaeel summoned to court for Karachi Rains

DG traffic police appeared in front of the 2 person benchy ( small bench) of the supreme court to answer questions about the traffic nightmare caused by the recent rains in Karachi. Justice Rana Bhagwandas, who heads this bench, was perticularly incensed that the rains had havoced his earlier good work. And he wanted to know who was responsible. DG traffic opined that the rainstorm was an aasmani aafat and the arc-angel Mikaeel was responsible for rains. Mikaeel is said to possess the portfolio of sustinence and as such is responsible for the movements of celestial bodies and weather.

Justice Bhagwandas adjourned the court till monday, the 27th of august, but not before issuing an order for arch angel mikaeel to appear before the court.

SC takes suo moto notice of traffic problems in Karachi after recent rains

Just when it seemed that the supreme court had managed to solve Karachi’s traffic crisis things went from bad to badder. Justice Bhagwandas’ micro-management of traffic flow patterns was expected to relieve peak hour traffic jams. But nature had other plans for Karanchi walas. Thence, the surprise thunderstorms that deluged Karachi after a full day of rains.

Exasperrated by this reversal on the one way of development, Justice Bhagwandas has again taken suo moto notice of the situation. Traffic authorities in Karachi are to appear before the Bhagwandas led micro bench of the supreme court of Pakistan to explain why the rains have affected the traffic problems.

Boner under burqa gave away the undercover maulana

Mullah Abdul Aziz, the sipah salar-e-azam of the fundoo brigades of Islamabad, was arrested trying to escape from Lal Masjid in a burqa amid a crowd of girl students of Jamia Hafsa. His disguise was discovered by female police officers of Islamabad police.

We now have a clearer picture of the scenario of his discovery. All the wanna be mujahideen were being frisked after surrendering. The women were being checked in a seperate checkpoint by female officers. It was at this checkpoint where the maulana was subjected to a frisking by a female police officer. He might not be have been man enough for the fight. But being felt up by a woman was more than his little penis could take and it woke up at a most inappropriate moment. Thus the mullah was betrayed by his manhood and so began the drama of his humiliation.

Wasi (Khassi) Zafar is a Dunger

The rest of the mediaseems hung up on the latest incident of foul speech emanating from the mouth of the minister for turning law on its head. We are just as disturbed by such utterances from Chaudhry Khassi Zafar and sent Alibhae Cheeta to investigate the causes of such foul oral discharge. Turns out, Chaudhry Khassi Zafar was delivered at the hands of a Veterinarian originally called in to deliver a calf from a neighbours cow on the same day. Thus his Dunger like behavior.

KRL developing new soaps and deodorants

Our irradiated correspondent, Alibhae Cranium reports from Kahuta about a new project. The Khan Research Labs are working overtime to produce a line of atomic power cleaning agents and deodorants. The project has been initiated following a request from the bedroom of the presidential palace. As befits a matter of such national need, a chemical engineer of Pakistani origin, Dr. Saaban S. Safai, has been lured away from the american company Jason & Jason. Dr. SSS, explained that the idea is to produce a concentrated detergent that can be used to wash and deodorise a fully clothed person. This being a matter of extreme national security Dr. SSS wouldn’t elaborate further. And we ask our readers to please keep this a secret.

Presumably, the need for such a soap has arisen from the president’s refusal to take off his army uniform untill his re-election from the current assemblies. The staff and inhabitants of the presidential palace is worried of what is to come. Summer is begining and Begum Saab and chumchas are already getting overwhelmed by the general’s B.O. Thus the need for a soap that can be used to wash general sahib and his uniform together. That way he can always be in uniform.

Hamara eik hi naara hai: ghaas khain ge magar saaban banain ge.

Only ISI and Mullahs can do burqa drama in Pakistan

 image stolen from BBC

The government has stopped Ajoka Theater from any further performances of its musical drama “burqavaganza”. Despite protestations by the head of Ajoka, Madeeha Gauhar, and playwright, Shahid Nadeem that the play does not go against Koranic injunctions, the government dismissed their appeals against the ban.

Culture minister Ghazi Kanjar (related to Mullah Ghazi through inbreeding) explained that only the ISI and Lal Masjid mullahs have licence to do Burqa dramas in the country.

Roomal bachao, Maal banao

The sharia economic system will decrease our reliance on imported cotton, says Lal Masjid economist Mullah Ram Yehuda. He explained that if the whole nation were to start wearing the shorter above ankle shalwars, of the style popularized by Tableeghis and Jamatias, the nation would greatly reduce its cotton imports from Israel. Our textile industry specialist Alibhae Loom Khaddi, pointed out that many of these pious people have found a loophole around this appearance. They are actually hitching their shalwars higher by rolling the tops above the narra, but once done with the namaz they return the shalwar to normal length. Mullah Yehuda wasn’t delighted with Alibhae for bringing this banawat to light and strongly condemned such bigotry from the faithful.

Naqal ke liye bhi aqal chahiye

IJT activists at Punjab University Lahore have been protesting loudly over a cheating scandal involving their teachers. Our correspondent Alibhae Nalaik Bhaanda interviewed a couple of IJT members and asked about their agitation. It seems the psuedo students are angry that the scandal is making them look stupid in the eyes of those immoral artsy fartsy types across the road at that other school. They contend that cheating and plagiarism require brains as you must copy from something on the same subject.

As renowned poet Alibhae Nakalkhor said:

Danishwar ka danish se hai, it kutey ka ver

Ilm ki paurhey charhna warhna okha lagta hai

Sex tape of Jamia Hafsa girls on the internet

Our entertainment correspondent Alibhae Casting Couch has allerted us to the existance of a sex tape, allegedly of some Jamia Hafsa girls getting their lez on. The tape is reportedly doing the rounds of the underground networks of the jihadi servers. We are hereby appealing to any and all to please share the titilation. Akele akele, sahi baat nahin bhai.